I found an old post

Written October 20, 2010

Things are coming to a close. I am officially an active duty soldier as of today. I report tomorrow evening and will begin my journey to our mobilization site. As I sit here, contemplating my life, I wonder about how I got here. Nothing in my recent, or even distant past hints to this change of events that has me on my way to a deployment in a little over a month. High school was rough, as it is for every teenager--but it was still an amazing experience. I was all-academic, swim team captain, varsity letter all four years. I was in honors courses and participated in a plethora of extra curricular activities including but not limited to science club, flag squad, and choir. I graduated with National Honor Society GPA and went off to find myself at college..instead I found friends, all nighters, and a boy named Casey.
I thought my life was complete. I transfered to the University of Kansas where I was going to finish my degree as Casey finished his--we were going to get married and start a wonderful life together, until we ended up pregnant.
One surprise event and a year can change so much....
A year later, I was single, without child, and enlisting in the Army National Guard. It is amazing how life can change in one year. I was on a path, a planned, chosen path. I loved my path, I walked my path with joy and happiness--but all of a sudden in one year--my path took an unexpected turn. The environment around me on the path turned cold, there was snow and ice. I had been dressed for summer and the beach--I wasn't prepared for this unexpected change. People ask me about my life during the time when the path turned and I honestly can't speak on it very well. I don't even know what happened myself. All I know is that I was headed off to the Army. I am just now thawing from that flash winter that I experienced.
Just in time.
I have learned to embrace whatever comes my way. Live moment by moment, because I never know when something--some unexpected event is going to change my life forever. So, I live it. Every smile. Every tear. Every upset stomach and anxiety attack. Every laugh. Every embarrassment. I live it.

Questions

Who am I? What am I doing here? What is the point of life? Do I believe in God? If I do, what place does this mysterious being have in my life? Do I live for me? Do I live for someone else? Why in the HELL do things get taken away from me, just when I start to be happy?

There are too many questions in life to get caught up in. We have to be who we are. But, what if we don’t know who that person is? Well then, we just do our best with what we’ve got. Take me, for example. In college, pregnant (major cool points), with a boyfriend in the Army—but I was happy. My ‘ex’ was a heartless coward who was just trying to escape responsibilities, and my daughter is gone to me. However, without that experience—I wouldn’t have ran away and joined the Army myself. The Army. It has given me purpose. It has also taken me away from the people I love. But even in that, I have found another chapter of my life I would have never expected. I found a man, maybe not a great man, but a man nonetheless who showed me that it was okay to be cared for. Trials and tribulations and many tears led me to a man who I cannot begin to describe well enough to do him justice. He will tell me that he’s not perfect, but he is everything I’ve ever dreamed for. He is my best friend, and all of a sudden—he became the man who I love. Without all the pain and the heartache of my past that has brought me here today, sitting in my car with the windows down smelling the rain and listening to Fink on repeat, I never would have met the amazing man who calls me his girlfriend.

And then the questions set in again. But the only question I have is, who cares? If you don’t have love, what do you have? People are meant to come in and out of your life, to show you things, or to change you in some way. You will travel many different places, do different things--some you never would have imagined yourself being or doing. But that doesn’t matter, does it? All it matters is where you are now. And if you’re happy.

So sit at home, and ask your questions. Not me. I am happy to bumble through this life, just being me. Some people will be missed—but I have one characteristic that I live by. I never lie. I will always tell the truth and I will always be true to myself.