To baby girl:

Deep breath.

I'm sitting here shaking as I write this. The letter I never want to write. Tears are streaming down my face. I wonder how many cups I could fill with the tears I've cried for you. I'm a writer. I write, it is simply what I do--but for some reason I have never been able to write this letter to you.

Simple things will trigger a reaction. Tonight, a crappy movie. Other times, news of a friend's pregnancy. A picture of you, or simply just a thought about how things could be. Did I do the right thing for you? How would our lives be, if we were together. I can imagine it. I might have finished school--but most likely I wouldn't have. I would have moved home, for the support, and gotten a job. You would have been raised in daycare--which isn't bad, it just isn't what I dreamed for you. I dreamed of a loving home, with two parents--so you can know what it's like to have the love of a father--something I never knew. I wanted you to be Daddy's Little Girl, a princess!

Baby girl, I have so much love for you. I know you are happy when I talk to you. Your beautiful little smile melts my heart. When you tell me you love me, it chokes me up--but I always swallow it down and reply with a cheery 'Awe! I love you too!'

I don't know how things are going to turn out. I hope you are happy. I hope you know or will know just how much I love you. Please know that I am not miserable. I met a guy, and I love him. I don't know what is going to happen between us--but he has made me realize that it's okay to move on after three years and love again. So for that, I thank him.

I hope you are as proud of me as I am of you. I'm happy. I pray to God that I made the right decision--but as my grandmother always says, 'there's no use crying over spilt milk.' She is so right. The decision has been made. Whether you're angry or not is your choice, but please know that it was not an easy decision for me to make. I didn't want to do it, but I wanted you to have a better life. Better than what I could give you at the time. I was doing what I thought was best for you at the time.

So, yes, I grieve for the life we could have had together. But I also look forward to the future, to see what else is in my master plan--and yours! I love you with all my heart. Never forget that, baby girl. Never forget.

Starting over.

As I sit and listen to the rain, the constant rain outside on the windows--I realize how much I love my life and how proud I am of myself. I realize how narcissistic that sounds, but sometimes I feel you have to embrace your own accomplishments. I'm not going to sit and write down for you all that I have accomplished, if you know me--you know!

I am going to sit here and write about how scary it is to be accomplished, especially if not many people you know have your same experiences. I am feeling a lot of pressure lately...what are you doing to do? are you going to get a job? where are you going to live? how was it overseas? what did you do? what was it like? I have a lot going on right now. Please, just give me some time. I've been back in the country for two weeks! I need some time.

Newsflash! I am having strange lapses of memory, I get frustrated easily, and I'm scared. Yes folks, I said it. I'm scared of taking the GRE next month. I'm scared I won't get into grad school. I'm scared about substitute teaching. I'm scared that my noggin doesn't seem to want to cooperate lately. But thats okay with me! There is no one (hopefully) a few hundred yards out, off the road who wants me dead. I don't have to wonder if my best friend is going to make it back to base without getting blown up. I don't have to think about what if someone dies this time? The stress of taking the GRE is extremely large! However, it is no where near comparable to the stress of wondering if your friends are alive or not...or if they just had some mechanical issues that made them a day late.

Rain....mmmm....oh how I love the rain. Its so peaceful.

Breathe in....breathe out...smile...things are going to be just fine.

I have spent a lovely couple of days visiting my Aunt and Uncle's house in Northern Illinois as well as my most favorite cousin and her two beautiful girls. We have had the opportunity to catch up and it has been wonderful! I feel like I have gotten just what I needed out of this visit--some motivation. I miss my family, and am ready to go home. I am looking forward to doing some volunteer work with my grandma, visiting and reestablishing relationships with family, helping out around the house, brushing up on my culinary skills, and hopefully substitute teaching while studying for that darn GRE and applying to graduate school to get my doctorate in Audiology.

So before I get too motivated and stay up all night thinking about my new plans, off to bed!

I am hoping with the new and improved access to technology, I will be able to write more often. Be prepared for some random thoughts! ;) Those who know me, know my brain works like a ping pong ball, changing thought every time it strikes a surface!

Here's to starting over!

*My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.* --tee hee hee