I am home.

racing thoughts, racing thoughts....
I have been home, the place where I was raised, for a little more than 24 hours now.
We started the drive home as soon as I was released around 1200, after a quick break for lunch at Crackel Barrel we continued on. I called ahead to inform my 'family' that we should have dinner as I passed through and I was informed that because of health complications this would not be possible, but a few of us could still go out for something.

Here I am. Sitting here typing. Trying to be completely vague, but I don't want to. I want to say how frustrating this whole situation is. I don't want to go, I don't have enough time with the people I love. And, even worse, because of some stupid illness that decided to invade the life of the people who I've chosen to be my family-I can barely see them at all. It isn't fair, really. I see myself sitting upstairs on the couch talking to mom-mom who is sitting in the brown chair about life. About how much I don't think I can do this. About being surrounded by people who seem slow, and how to deal with it. About feeling alone, but being surrounded by people. And you know what? She tells me, somehow in her own words, that everything is going to be okay. And I believe her. Because she has never lied to me. I love her, and I am scared to death to be away. My sister needs me more than ever, and soon enough I won't even be able to text her every once in awhile...how am I supposed to make sure that everything is okay if I am approx. 7,000 miles away??

I once said that I don't write at night because there are too many uncontrollable emotions...but isn't that what writing is??? Emotions..flowing, streaming, bursting through the floodgates of your mind down your arms into your fingertips and onto the keyboard to print into black and white what is going on in the sea of thoughts and ideas you call your brain.

Well, tonight and all day, as well as yesterday---all I can think about is that the point of this four day pass was to spend time with family. I will, indeed, spend time with extended family. But my mom-mom, my sister, my brother, I might get to see them on Friday morning before I leave to go back. I can't see them because I don't want to risk getting the woman who already has an extremely low white blood cell count and an infection more sick. Its a conundrum, really.
I was told in my childhood that God never gives us more than we cannot handle. I believe that with all my heart and soul, and when He gives me lemons, I make sweet lemonade. But, I also believe in 'living in it'

It is important not to just brush every emotion or feeling to the side and slap a smile on your face. It is important to 'embrace the suck' while it is happening. Hold close to you things that make you hurt, cry, lonely...so that later on in life, you can recognize these feelings and know better how to deal with them. If you are sad, be sad--cry, use up a whole box of kleenex, talk to someone, stay silent, scream if it makes you feel better. Whatever it takes, live it. Then let it go. If you are angry or upset, try to watch what you say to others..but be mad, punch a pillow, throw the son of a bitch across the room, who cares? Live it, then quickly let it go. The key is, letting it go. If you don't let it go, it will embrace you. However, the same goes for happiness and love. The only difference is to not let these go. If you are happy, or feel love...hold on for dear life because you never know when anger, or fear, or sadness will try to come grab onto you again. But when it does, you will know what each one feels like and will know how to handle it.

So, as I type, I feel it. I feel the sadness, the feeling of unfairness, the disappointment that things aren't the way I planned in my head. But I have felt these things before and have been happy since then. And so I know that, even today, I have been happy. I have felt joy. I know that when I leave, I will have a mix of bitter sadness and excitement with anticipation. I will embrace it, just like every other time. And, of course, I will write.