I'm just sad.

Disclaimer: I am, indeed, emotional.

Big hot tears roll down my face as I drive away from my "family's" house headed back to Camp Atterbury, Indiana after a too short four day pass at home for Thanksgiving. It was a good day. A hard day, but still a good day. If my emotions could be personified, riding a roller coaster--they would be sick to the point of vomiting.
Rewind to this morning:
:-) I woke up happy in my own very warm bed, ate a delicious breakfast of grits and yogurt with Michigan blueberries handpicked by family friends, took a shower and proceeded to get back into ARMY mode.
:-( Army socks, boots, pants, shirt, jacket.....and....I'm a soldier again. This time for a long time. :-) Mom and I ran some errands, did some last minute packing and headed over to Grammy's house to say goodbye's there.
:-( Gram didn't take it too well, but it helped that Aunt Ginger and Uncle Bob were there with Harmony to help soften the hurt. Even if I was gone, she still had them there at least until tomorrow. So a sad goodbye for them, but not so much for me.
:-) It was sad....but I was also excited to go see my 'other' family :-) in Forsyth. Away we went!!

Let me pause this roller coaster ride to say how grateful I am to ALL of my family, related and unrelated, immediate and extended, friends who are family, and family who are friends. I am thankful for each and every one of you. We had a discussion after a delicious thanksgiving meal with a second cousin about how our 'family' has spread to the winds and we don't have the kinds of communication needed to keep that family bond together. It's no one's fault per se, but it is just fact. And the fact of the matter is, besides the Thanksgiving meal and an occasional Christmas gathering at someone's house....we are strangers to each other. My cousins don't know anything about me, nor do my aunts and uncles. The information they do know about me, they must find out from someone other than myself because I never talk to them. We don't talk on the phone, write letters, email, text, or even Facebook. All of these avenues of communication are open, and I have set up different trips throughout the years to visit different members of my family who I would like to be closer to and these trips have deepened the original bond of family.
No matter what, we share some DNA and in some cases the same name.

But this is not what I need. I am the only child of a single mother. Smart, athlete, outgoing, dedicated and focused on success. I have no father to speak of, which eliminates half of my blood related family right there. Imagine it as a lightening striking dead half of my tree. Therefore, I am already short changed on the family tree. Add in the fact that there is no communication. No water going to the branches of my remaining scrawny family tree, I am not left with very much to go off of. I have some roots, my grandmother and mother, myself as the trunk, and a couple of branches (selected aunts and uncles, one or two cousins) and a few leaves (young babies of said cousins) So, please don't blame me if I prefer to pick up my roots, grow wings, and find happiness elsewhere. In a perfect world in my situation, extended family would have picked up the slack and we would have been a tight family unit. But, that is hard to do when we span the entire United States. No one's fault...just not what I need.

God has blessed me. I have been given a loving, caring home where I fit in and belong. When I look back at my life and think of all the good memories, I realize that I have had a family all along. There has been hurt and pain. Love and Joy. Sadness and suffering. We have fallen apart and come back together. I love them. They love me.
I am so proud of my little sister. She is one of the smartest, talented, most ambitious people I know and I can't wait to see what kind of beautiful woman she will become. I love that we're so close, I only wish that we were closer.
My little brother and I are closer than I even think I know. He has almost every baseball player, team and stat memorized. He is amazing at putting together, in weeks, a 3,000 piece Lego set that is supposed to take months. And he is one of the strongest people I know. He is constantly amazing me with his patience and good spirit in bad times. Life wouldn't be the same without him. I love him to death, even though he'd be mad at me for saying it publicly....I know he loves me back! :)
Mom-mom, perfect title since she is my second mom. My own mother is wonderful, and I am grateful for her and everything that she has, and continues to do for me--but even she is grateful that I have a grounded family atmosphere to partake in and this is what mom-mom provides for us all. She is THE most amazing, strong, structured, intelligent, fun, happy go lucky person I have ever met in my life and she is solely responsible for this Cinderella story. If it wasn't for her introducing herself to my mother, and my mother offering my babysitting services...I wouldn't be typing this today. I want to be just like her someday.
The Orr/Thompson family has welcomed me into their lives with open arms since 1999 and has never let me go. It is because of this that I feel so loved when I go home. I love to see Grama and Grampa, see what kinds of sewing or wood or redecorating or technology projects are going on around the house (or condo, if we happen to meet up in Colorado) and honestly I could go on and on about how happy I am. The real point to all this writing is to get out my emotions for myself, the bi-product being an insight to my mind. I feel like I have written enough this evening to get out enough emotion in order to sleep well.






I am not sad anymore. As cheesy as it sounds I am now full of memories and love as I swaddle myself in "Dad's" company sweatshirt as a security blanket.
Two days and a wake up, and I will be on a plane to a whole new world.