Isolation

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone. Only through our love and friendship can we create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone. Orson Welles

Once again, it has been awhile since I last wrote--or communicated--with you. I am getting the feeling that when I am upset, it is even harder for me to sort out my feelings enough to know for myself what is going on. Much less organize them enough to type them out on my keyboard to share them with you.

I am starting to believe that this quote is true. My last post was about trust. What is trust? Can you really truly trust anyone in this life? If you marry someone, do you trust them? Look at how many divorces there are. How do you trust someone after that? How can you, after experiencing so much hurt and human error, go back to a happy go-lucky state where you can trust. You can't. There is no such thing.

I like to believe that humans are inherently good. I am starting to believe that I have been completely and totally naive in the past 23 almost 24 years. Now, it is time to grow up and experience the real world. It is incomprehensible how many ups and downs I have gone through in the past two months. I can't even begin to explain the lack of confidence and faith I have in the people who surround me.

While I was growing up, I suppose I was spoiled. I was surrounded by many people who helped to raise me--and with their group efforts, I turned out well. I now believe that it is this reason why I have such a positive outlook on life. I was handed a bad set of cards when I was born, I was expected by society to fail and become a statistic. However, I was taught strategy and a good poker face and surpassed the expectations of said onlookers.

People come and go. I am learning this lesson more now than ever. This is a hard lesson for me to learn because I put a lot of faith in the people around me. I depend on people to be there for me, and I find happiness in being there for others. I am what you would say a 'people person.' My high school chorus teacher wrote in a program that I was a 'social butterfly.' I didn't understand why she wrote that, but I am beginning to understand myself now that I am away from everything I am used to. I love to get to know people, however, because I have been hurt so many times in my past--it is hard for me to let people get that close. Such a conundrum.

The group I mentioned in the last post, no longer exists. I still speak to them, but it is different now. We are spread out among our jobs, our living arrangements, and friendships. This has caused a rift in the friendship we once had and now we talk in passing, but don't make a point to hang out with each other. The army is good for that, and this is good for testing true friendships. Making sure, who will withstand the test of time. There are not many who do.

I still believe in the inherent goodness in people. I believe that all people truly want to be happy. But I also believe that a person's drive to happiness can and will hurt other people, maybe without the person knowing. I am in the desert. I am thirsty. Happiness is such a distant hope for me, but that doesn't stop my thirst. I can find happiness in the small things, and eventually can settle to a place where I am stable and can find fulfillment in my life. Just like in the book, 'Eat, Pray, Love' , she says that "You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement a a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight." Today, I found beauty in a friend. Tomorrow, who knows. But it will happen. I will be happy. I will make the conscious choice to not let this place, these people get me down.